1 Topic by sheald

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Topic: Emotional affairs

I recently broke it off with my partner of 12 years after accidently learning of her "affair" she had and kept secret for 9 months.  I was blown away and would NEVER have thought her to do anything because I was so trusting.
However, she was always "looking" for "something" that I was doing or hiding....never found anything, because I was true, faithful and honest.  Now I have discovered that she has been sneaking calls and text to several women that she said she reconnected with through FB - but never shared this with me - however,  this 9 month thing was not a friend of hers on FB.  When I discovered a text from this other woman (by accident), my partner lied for about an hour that she did not know anyone by that name!!!   After being persistant, she finally said she was just a friend and she spoke/text with her for about 5 months, and only a handfull of times.
I then discovered it was 9 months or longer and all questions  I asked her was answered with a a lie!!!  She INSISTs this was a friend only!  My thought is if only a friend why sneak and why lie about everything!!! ??

It's been 7 months now and Im still devestated.  I have seen a couple of therapist and was told - IF she was truly a friend, she should not have kept it a secret - therefore they were talking of things she clearly did not want me to know about.  I learned that they would text sometimes for 5-6 hours!!  Late at night - I dont know where I was  - sleeping???  My therapist said IF nothing physically happened - it would/could have eventually....but called it an Emotional affair and said "an affair is an affair" Period. 

Also, I noted on her phone records (she gave me) that my partner initiated ALL the Text and calls, but maybe two.  It almost looked obsessive!  She said she had this "friendship" with her to vent about our problems, and also said she told this other woman never to call her, that she would do the calling so it would not cause problems with us.   I called the other woman to get answers, because I kept hearing lies.  The other woman told me my partner never spoke of me or our problems and NEVER told her not to call!  As I questioned her (the other woman) more - and certainly not blaming her - I learned that everything that came out of my partners mouth was a lie.  Im still so hurt and feel very betrayed.  My partner blows it off by saying she just made a mistake by keeping it a secret.

What are your thoughts?  If your partner carried on a 9 month "relationship"  with someone you did not know, or ever heard the persons name....they also had no intention on telling you...and kept lying about everything....Also, the calls and text progressed,. 

Would you feel betrayed?  Could you trust anything she ever told you again?

Would you feel this was an affair - even if it was an Emotional affair?  Is that not deceit, betrayal and sneaking? 

My therapist also said that Women especially have a harder time getting over the emotional affair than just a sexual "fling".
At this point, I don't believe anything she says, I still feel like she is secretive about everything and I don't want her back.  She is devestated that I don't want to work things out.  But I just don't feel the same way about her - I really feel she was living a double life!

Any input - thoughts on this?

Quote Post 1

2 Reply by bjkat1

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Re: Emotional affairs

I have a friend who is a lesbian and we chat back and forth on facebook. I meet her online, she became my facebook friend. My partner knows we talk. T knows I have a partner and am very much in love with her. T sometimes just wants to talk about her day, family, and a new girl she is interested in and ask my advice. I know that what she did was wrong since you didn't know about it. She should have been up front with you. My partner jokes sometimes that we talk because she is ten years older than me and I need to talk to a younger chick. She should have let the other woman know that she had a partner and that it was just conversation that she wanted. Not intimate conversations either. Just a friend..... but you should have been asked before they started talking.

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3 Reply by s.sanders1982

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Re: Emotional affairs

If it were me, I think I would be more upset with the lies than the actual supposed friendship.  Trust is something that is so hard to get back once it has been broken.  I think you did the right thing by breaking it off, but I know that is not easy.  Once a relationship goes past the point of having friends behind your partner's back, it has crossed the line in my opinion.  The emotional affair to me represents not just an actual affair, but the thought of having something different/better/else.  I hope you stay strong and know that you DESERVE better.  Hugs, Sharon

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4 Reply by sheald

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Re: Emotional affairs

s.sanders1982 wrote:

If it were me, I think I would be more upset with the lies than the actual supposed friendship.  Trust is something that is so hard to get back once it has been broken.  I think you did the right thing by breaking it off, but I know that is not easy.  Once a relationship goes past the point of having friends behind your partner's back, it has crossed the line in my opinion.  The emotional affair to me represents not just an actual affair, but the thought of having something different/better/else.  I hope you stay strong and know that you DESERVE better.  Hugs, Sharon



Sharon,
It WAS about all the lies.....many years of lies.   It has also been very difficult for me because I felt like such a fool - a fool that I didn't "investigate" some of those red flags that now pop out at me since looking back.  The signs were there, but I was so trusting of her.  I feel I made the right decision too since I cannot believe anything she says.  It's been hard and very hurtful, but I am getting stronger every day.  This break-up has affected every aspect of my life.  A major life changing lesson - even having to sell the house etc.....  Of course I didn't make my decision to break up this long relationship solely based on this 9 month secret she kept from me - there are other valid reasons to "get out" and this was icing on the cake.
 
Thank you for your post and support.
Hugs back!

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5 Reply by Sealynx

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Re: Emotional affairs

It sounds like your partner liked the security of a relationship but was finding more and more satisfaction with others. The fact that she didn't leave for 9 months or however this would have gone on is probably more about her not HAVING to leave than her wanting to stay indefinitly.

By everything you've said she was feathering her nest elsewhere. The fact that the other woman was not calling her as much suggests that she had not achieved the level of security in this emotional relationship that would allow her to leave you. That doesn't mean that if the affair of the head or body ended that her logical course would be to return to being a reliable partner.

Sadly one of the big issues in Lesbian relationships is that friends often break up couples. It is a numbers game. There just aren't that many available women and women often partner quickly without having the chance to date many compatible people. Gay men and straight folks both have a large dating pool. Gay women don't.  The good thing here is that you've had 12 years to look at what works and what doesn't for you. Take your time and find someone you have fun with.

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6 Reply by s.sanders1982

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Re: Emotional affairs

Sheald- I know how hard it can be to leave and re-arrange your entire life after so many years.  My last ex was very abusive, and although I was with her for 5 years, I spent the better part of the last 2-3 years miserable adn fighting all the time.  I finally managed to leave w/ the help of my mom and the police (long story) and moved from TX to TN with a suitcase, and my dog.  I litteraly only had a few clothes and very few possessions, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  It took a while, but I found a job.  Got some furniture.  Started dating again, and now 6 years later next month, I have a wonderful partner, good job, and wonderful life.  I have all the faith that you can do it, but just give it time for everything to fall in to place.  Take things slow and enjoy every aspect of  your new life.  You can do it!

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7 Reply by AMBER33

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Re: Emotional affairs

This is Amber,

I don't know anything about relationships not having been in one. But I do know that they are not about abuse and intimidation. All of you who have gone through bad break-ups and are on the mend, hang in there. It will get better. You probably think why am I talking about this if I've never been in a relationship. I think we all have to be supportive of eachother, that's why we have found this chat room. To support and show love to eachother.

I hope all of you find the love you deserve.

Thanks for listening to someone who has no idea what the hell she's talking about but wanted to offer her support.

This is to all, who are going through a bad break-up, it will get better.

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8 Reply by Book Rc

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Re: Emotional affairs

I'd also like to recommend a great book. We often expect that partners will be completely honest when considering a breakup. That is not the norm at all. This is a great book about how people break up, what to look for and expect.   http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turnin … HKFCXL6D9T

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