My father made me feel like there was something wrong with me

Added May 12, 2011

I am 42 and transsexual. I was born male, but knew as early as 2 years old (if not sooner) that I should have been born a girl. When I came out to my mother (August 2010) she told me that told me that she remembered when I was 2 years old and often wondered if I would grow up transgendered because she was always catching me putting on her panty hose and things and it happened a lot and for a long time, but when it suddenly stopped and didn’t happen for a while, she didn’t think any more about it.

I can remember spending a lot of time at a very young age feeling something was wrong and I never felt like a boy, I always felt in my hear that I was a girl. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and wishing that I could go to a doctor and he could fix me. One day, as my dad was sitting in the living room watching 60 Minutes and I was lying next to his chair, (I was about 7 years old at the time) they did a story on Christine Jorgensen, the tennis star who was born a man and had an operation to become a woman. I remember my eyes lit up and I was suddenly very excited and happier than I had been in my life because what I had been because my dreams had been answered. Everything I had hoped a doctor could do to fix my body and make me a girl was now confirmed possible. Doctors could actually turn a boy into a girl. I jumped up and shouted “WOW! They can do it! They can really do it! That’s what I want! I want to go to a doctor and have that operation! I want to be a girl!!!” As instantly as I was happier than I had ever been at hearing that doctors were able to turn boys into girls, the words of my father made me feel as terrible, dark and lonelier than I had ever felt. He said many hurtful things to me and told me I would never have that operation as long as he was living and made me feel like there was something wrong with me for even thinking about doing that.

I spent many years after that repressing those feeling, even to myself. I still knew deep down that I needed to pursue becoming a female, and at times I would think about it, but then I would deny myself and try to put it out of my mind, so I was in denial even to myself because of that day and all the things my dad said to me when I just wanted to be me. I kept it to myself and never told anyone. I did tell my best friend and a couple of other friends in high school that I was thinking about it, but back then, with no resources like you have today, I had no idea where to start, what doctor to call, etc. so I felt like I would just be trapped and stopped talking about it.

I was very involved in music, and in the 80’s, I found a great place where I fit in great in the rock/metal music scene. I didn’t have a female wardrobe or anything really and wasn’t exactly out or dressing as a female per say, but I was able to openly wear makeup, have my hair done up and wear female clothes that would look good with some leather and studs for that heavy metal look and it was accepted. I could have a feminine appearance, but still fit in with the masculine rocker crowd. I am not gay and never have been attracted to men, so another great thing about this period of time was it was much easier for me to meet girls. They would love to do my hair and makeup and even let me wear their clothes when we’d go out or if I was playing a show with the band. Occasionally, I would have a girl or a few girls that, instead of fixing me up as a rocker, would want to fix me up and dress me up as a girl just for fun and not thinking I would let them do it, but I would play it off as “what the heck, it would be fun” or “if you want to, why not?” I never came out to them or let them know that I actually wanted to be a girl and just acted like I was having fun, but not letting on just how much I was loving the way they made me look.

I did struggle for a while when I was younger with wondering if I was gay. I had always been attracted to women and never to men, but with societies teachings and expectations, I thought for a long time that if I wanted to be a girl and actually became a girl that I would have to start liking guys and I just couldn’t bring myself to be attracted to a male. It was a big relief when I found out about lesbians and from then on, I have identified myself as lesbian. I realized that it is possible to be a girl and still like girls.

My next hurdle was worrying that I would never find a girlfriend who would ever accept me dressing as a female, much less wanting to become one. I had never told any of the girls I dated about my wanting to be a girl. When I met my ex wife, we were very close and could talk about anything and we had no secrets, except for my gender identity, but I was still repressing and not thinking much about it at that time. We got engaged and were living together in our first apartment. There were a few times that laundry needed to be done and she was out of underwear and asked if she could borrow a pair of my underwear because all of hers were in the dirty clothes, so I let her wear mine. After a few times, I was joking with her that if it kept up that I Was going to start wearing her underwear to work. She said to go for it, it wouldn’t bother her one bit, and so the next day I took her up on it. She didn’t act shocked or like she thought it was weird or anything at all when I picked a pair of her panties, put them on and went to work. She just told me to enjoy them and have a good day at work. That one day was my turning point. Just the simple act of not just putting on a pair of women’s underwear, but my fiancée knowing and approving and not treating it like it was anything abnormal was very liberating. She was not judgemental or negative about it in any way. If that’s what I wanted to do, then she was fine with it. Being at work all day knowing what I had on underneath my slacks and that the girl I was in love with and going to marry hadn’t treated me like a freak for wanting to wear her underwear made me feel wonderful. I felt like I could finally be myself for the first time in my life with someone and not have to hide anymore. After I got home from work that night she asked me how it felt wearing her undies and I told her it was wonderful and that I wouldn’t mind getting some panties of my own, so the next night we went shopping and I bought my first pairs of panties and a skirt. Up until then, the only women’s clothes I had ever bought or worn (other than when I was a kid) was stuff I wore on stage with my rock/heavy metal/glam rock outfits, such as spandex, shirts, some lace gloves, etc.

For the next few days, everything I used to feel in my childhood and everything I had repressed about knowing I should have been a female all came back to me and hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a very overwhelming feeling. I could no longer deny who I really was, nor could I keep it in. I was actually happy that I was no longer in denial to myself, and happy that I was engaged to a wonderful girl who accepted that I wanted to start dressing as a girl. I was a bit concerned and worried about telling her that I not only wanted to dress as a girl occasionally at home, but that I wanted to at some point begin to live full time as a woman and actually go all the way with it and have surgery. Accepting cross-dressing was one thing, but I knew, even then, that wanting to have surgery could be a whole other story. But I felt very comfortable with telling her, even with that fear. Luckily, she told me that she loved me dressing up, but she really didn’t want me having surgery, but if that was what I wanted that she wanted me to be happy and she was in love with me either way and would stick with me and was proud to have me and to still marry me.

After just a few months of spending time with me dressed occasionally as a female, one day she looked at me and told me that as much as she was in love with me as a male that she is more in love with me as a female because I was more relaxed, more open and outgoing and she felt that I was even more of the part of me that she loved. She said that even when I was dressed as a male, that she could only see me as a female because she has seen my true soul and that where before she was all for me living full time as a female, but not really wanting me to have surgery, but still wanted to be with me if I did, she was now saying that she feels like my having surgery was absolutely the right thing for me to do and that she not only supported me having surgery, but she also wanted me to have it. She didn’t just want me to do it because I wanted to, but she now wanted me to have surgery also.

We got married and I started going out publicly dressed as a female. I began coming out to my friends. First person after my wife that I came out to was my best friend, the girl I grew up with. I told her I had some news to lay on her and so we went out one night to have a talk and it took me about an hour to try and come out with it. Her reaction was great. “You want to be a woman? (looking to the side in thought and then looking back at me) Cool! Now it all makes sense!” I asked her what that meant and she said that she always knew there was something about me that she never could put her finger on, she knew I wasn’t gay, but couldn’t figure out just what it was and now it all fits. (many of my old friends that I grew up with or have known for a long time told me the same thing when I came out to them) She told me she loves me and that she totally supports me and we are still best friends.

After telling her I finally began coming out to all of my other friends. The more I came out to, the easier it got to come out to others. I have a lot of gay and lesbian friends, so I wasn’t too worried about coming out to them and, of course, they were all very supportive. What really surprised me was that I had a lot of friends that I seriously did not expect to accept me, much less support me who have actually turned out to be some of my biggest supporters. I’m talking some deep woods back country red necks, some bikers and a lot of people you just wouldn’t expect would stay friends with someone telling them that they wear dresses and plan to have a sex change. They tell me that I have been a great friend to them and they want me to be happy and nobody better give me any problems. WOW! I really wasn’t expecting that kind of friendship and support from some of these people. So far, since I have come out, I have only lost one friend. My band that I was in accepted me, but our sound man, who was an old friend and former band mate decided that he wanted nothing more to do with me. I know that most transsexuals lose most, if not all, of their friends and get disowned by family, etc. I do feel very blessed that I have been accepted and supported by so many and only lost one friend (who obviously wasn’t much of a friend to begin with) while I do get stares sometimes when I go out in public, I have had very little negative experiences or hate from anyone. When I do, it is usually someone who is more afraid of me than I am of them because they make their comments as they are walking out the door or driving away.

I was about 22 when I got married and we were together for almost 10 years. In that 10 years I had come out to most of my friends, built up a nice wardrobe, started seeing a therapist and researching information, finding local support groups and had a good job with the best insurance I ever had that would have actually covered much of the surgery, therapy and hormones, although I had not come out at work yet, I was planning to, but after the divorce, a lot of things changed and I wound up leaving that job. It was a slow process getting to a point that I felt was good to go forward to transitioning to full time female, but everything seemed to fall in place at the right time. I have since had a few of jobs where I was able to come out and was allowed to dress female at work if I wished. My last job was really great. My employer was very supportive and I could totally be me.

Dating after my divorce was a bit stressful at first. I was back at worrying if I would ever find someone who would accept me and support me knowing that I wanted to become a female. I thought my ex wife was that one in a million shot that would never come again as far as a partner that would accept me for me. The first girl I started dating after my divorce, I didn’t come out to her for several months after we started seeing each other. It wound up being off and on after that until I finally broke it off and moved on. Sometimes she was fine with it and other times she made an issue of it, time to move on. Most girls I have dated since then have been wonderful about it. A couple weren’t sure about it at first, but after getting used to it decided they enjoyed me as a female. One girl couldn’t handle it at all. I found that most girls I have been with though actually love it. I was not dressing female as often for a while after the divorce because of moving to a new place and was in a rough spot and changing jobs a bit for a while. I did get comfortable with my neighbors once I got settled in to a house I was renting and dating a girl who supported me and thought we’d be long term. I was spending a lot more time as a female and back on track to full time transition and getting my finances back on track to start hormones and save for surgery, electrolysis, etc. and then my Dad wound up taking a turn for the worse with his heart. He was getting worse and we didn’t expect him to be with us much longer. If you remember what I mentioned earlier about what happened when I was a kid when I said I wanted to have that surgery like that woman on TV, then you understand why I thought it best to just put my transition on the back burner. Not that I wanted my dad to die, but it looked like that was what was going to happen, so I thought it best to wait for that to happen rather than come out to him. At that point, I wasn’t really worried about if he would accept me or not or if he said hateful things to me, I just didn’t want my news that I wanted to become a woman to have literally been what killed him by upsetting him and causing him to have a heart attack. So I waited. I still dressed and went out as a woman, but put off transition waiting for him to die and keeping the secret from him. I had not come out to anyone in my family at that point because I didn’t want to take a chance on anyone with loose lips blabbing to him. (and we have some big mouths in our family. lol) If he did find out, I wanted him to find out from me and not hear it from someone else who may tell him who knows what that may or may not be true.

Thankfully, my dad got a donor heart and bounced back. He had a few rough years, but he is still with us and while I am very happy and blessed to still have him with us. Yes, I need to be me, but I also want my dad around as long as possible. The thing is that I have decided that he has made it this far and he is much stronger now than he was a few years ago and I can’t put of my transition forever. I only have one life and I need to be happy and be me.

I came out to my cousin’s wife; she was the first in the family that I came out to. She told me “Hate to burst your bubble, but I already figured that out and we all love you and want you to be happy”. One of my brothers came out and asked me one day if I was gay. It totally caught me off guard, but he said he had heard some things and because I had gotten permanent makeup (eyeliner and full hot pink lips) he just wanted to know what was up so that he would know what he was talking about in case others didn’t know what they were talking about. I told him I was not gay, but that I did plan to become a woman. I seriously expected him to explode and worry that I would be an embarrassment to the family and other things like that, but to my surprise, he hugged me and told me I will always be his brother…or at some point his sister and he would support me completely.

I have come out to a few others in the family since then. I believe there are some that may either know or suspect at least part of it.

I was in a car accident one morning and woke up in the hospital the next morning. They had taken my jeans off and all I had on was a shirt and panties. My dad had been called and was the first one there. I am sure he had to have seen it at some point, but he has never mentioned anything about it, so I am not sure.

I came out to my mom in August 2010. As I mentioned earlier, she said that she had wondered when I was 2 years old if I was transgendered but hasn’t thought anymore about it since I was young, but she said she wants me to be happy and be myself and totally understands. She never knew about that day when I was watching television with my dad and found out that doctors could do operations to turn you into a girl. She told me that had she known, she would have dealt with my dad and got me to someone who could help me deal with who I really am on the inside. She said she wish she knew back then because she could only imagine the hurt and pain I went through when my dad scolded me that day and cause me to bury myself.

While not everyone knows about my female identity, all of my best friends do, most of the people I know do and even a lot of casual Acquaintances. I am pretty open and not at all ashamed or embarrassed about who I am.

Have only come out to a few people in the family, but I have come out to all of the key important people except for one person… Dad. He is the last big hurdle and the hardest to muster the courage to say anything to about my plans to change my sex. I do believe that now is the time to move forward. It is time for me to be myself once and for all and never go back. He is healthier and stronger now than he was several years ago and I believe that, even though I am sure that he is not going to be okay with it and it will upset him terribly, that he is physically strong enough to deal with it without literally having a heart attack. At some point in the next few months, I will be telling him. I completely expect him to disown me and want nothing more to do with me. I know he will have hateful things to say (not to mention that he has become ultra old school religious since his heart troubles started, which kind of adds to the negative comments I know I will be hearing, I will also be getting preached to) Like I said. I am no longer worried if he doesn’t accept or support me wanting to be a woman. I am now beyond needing his approval or permission and I will not feel ashamed or guilty, nor will I feel like a freak. I will miss him if he never wants to talk to me again, but I just don’t want the news to kill him, but I think he will be okay at this point or I wouldn’t even be thinking about telling him. So I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Once I come out to my Dad, then I don’t care who knows. Once I am able to get past this hurdle, the rest should be nothing. I am comfortable being out in public even though I know I am not the most passable as a woman. I have been out in public and get along just fine.

I guess the big thing facing me after telling my dad is that I left my job of almost 9 years a couple of years ago to get my own business off the ground and things have been going slow. I am facing the fact that when potential clients meet me when I am dressed as a female, they may not take me serious as a professional. Maybe if I had been able to complete some things the first time I transitioned (permanent hair removal, tracheal shave, facial feminization surgery, etc.) then I may not be so worried about it. I am hoping I will be able to bring in enough business in the meantime to get all of that rolling again. It would give me more confidence in my business to worry less about passing with clients. Either way, I am moving forward. I am thinking of ways I can make money in ways without being face to face with the public just in case work I do face to face with clients takes a dip.

Other than finances being tight and dreading coming out to dad, things are at a good point in my life for being my true self. I do expect the finances to get better and maybe my dad, like others before, will surprise me by accepting and supporting me. One can only hope.

I have not dated for a while because I am trying to concentrate on my business and reach a few other goals in life, but I no longer worry that I will be alone or unable to find a girl who will accept me for who I am. I have dated enough in the past who accept me and I have a few ready to date me now who know all about me. So I am not afraid of rejection based on my sexual identity as I was in the past.

I am once again on to being me.